Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
