chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Randomize
