Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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