I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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