I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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