you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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