I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
