I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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