Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
