I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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