8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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