I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
