and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
