My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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