Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
