The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize