I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
