My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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