You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
