So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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