Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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