goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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