My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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