I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
