She is in my trunk
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
