Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
how drunk are you?
Several
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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