my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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