I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
