We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize