Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
