today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
