I haven't been this sober since birth.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
