Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
