Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize