I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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