i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
