Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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