Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
