God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
