She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
