Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
