Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
