They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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