It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
