I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize