I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
