You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just invented taco cereal.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
