Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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