He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
