Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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