there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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