it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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