Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
