I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize