i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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