Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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