please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
